Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
