Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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