She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
