I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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