Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
