White coat. Heels.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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