just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
