I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
