Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
