I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
