I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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