Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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