guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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