This is not my ceiling
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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