She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
