Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
