:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
