No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
