Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
