Your tits are I can't wait for
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
