So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
