Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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