We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
