I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
