NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
