Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
