No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
