I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
