broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
