1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
