Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
