i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
