new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize