I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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