i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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