I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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