I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
