sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
