he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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