Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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