I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
