I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
