walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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