New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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