why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
