Need sex. Gaining weight.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
