We won't sleep together?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
