I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
