she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
