My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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