She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
