I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
