Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
