if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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