friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
