mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
