My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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