she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
