What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
